End of working week. Here goes the list:-
1. Had a tiring heavy morning sickness week cum nauseousness cum giddiness which aint fun at all
2. Had a moment of sadness with him because he lied about an ornament which came from his wedding. I still am feeling down about it. But am too weak to think
3. Skipped school today because I could not get out of bed. Yeap, it was that bad. I feel bad missing school and wasting one day's fees.
4. Had a sudden wave of insecurity again. Epilepsy can pass down to babies, I feel weird having this baby with no guarantee from him of whats ahead, I hate to feel like Im the hidden underground one. Cant see any of his friends, and I feel awful.
5. I decided to sell some of the bags I have. He has not closed his sales yet, and I know we are going to be tight. He does not talk about it. I dont know what to expect. I do feel some sadness parting with these bags, but I guess the money is important at this point.
6. I tabulated my expenses, and with the sudden baby thing, I am in for a deficit. Pulling my hair out thinking about it.
7. Learnt about foundation application in school this week. Putting the proper bridal foundation. Had a great time. Wished I was not unwell, I could have absorbed better.
8. Supposed to meet Caris today, but was too sick to get out of bed. Sit makes me giddy, lying down makes me nauseous. I am tearing my hair out trying survive the next 5-6 weeks.
9. Checked the web today, and found out that baby will have developed eyelids on week 7. And by my bday, baby will be week 17. Which is little more than 4 months. Though he wanted to wait for the divorce papers to be submitted before we announced, I am now hoping we can break the news earlier just to respect my parents and not give them a shock with the growing tummy.
10. Seeing grandma later at mum's place. Will really like her to be the first to know she has a great grand child soon. She be so happy. And all I have been waiting for is to give her this present. Wished she is well enough to take care for me, but I know she has no longer the same energy she had before the operation.
11. Doc gave me a stabilizer jab for the foetus because of the spotting. Asked to be slow while walking, and no exercise, lie down as much as possible. Scanning could not locate the foetus, and asked me to go back next week for another jab, and then following week to scan. I was worried sick and Bill costed a bomb.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Friday, July 6, 2012
6th July Friday
Had a Guan Yin Miao Day with Gaby.
Had a Yishun Dam Chit Chat hour with him. The moon was particularly round and huge today. Never seen before. Having quiet moments with him have been enjoyable so far.
I detected spotting today while out with Gaby. Was frantic but didnt want alert him.
Went home and realized that the spotting became larger. Got so scared. I been having cramps and I just started freaking out.
Called the doctor today on 7th and asked for advice. Nurse said that it can be normal, but best to just lie down and rest and dont carry heavy stuff.
I changed the appt to Monday which she managed to squeeze in for me.
Now to wait for time to pass till Monday.
Had a Yishun Dam Chit Chat hour with him. The moon was particularly round and huge today. Never seen before. Having quiet moments with him have been enjoyable so far.
I detected spotting today while out with Gaby. Was frantic but didnt want alert him.
Went home and realized that the spotting became larger. Got so scared. I been having cramps and I just started freaking out.
Called the doctor today on 7th and asked for advice. Nurse said that it can be normal, but best to just lie down and rest and dont carry heavy stuff.
I changed the appt to Monday which she managed to squeeze in for me.
Now to wait for time to pass till Monday.
4th July: Lawyer day
I knew it was not going to be as smooth sailing as he tot. Turned out, we had to wait for 6 months before the divorce papers could be generated.
My entire mind started thinking uncontrollably. What status am I to have giving birth to our baby? Am I going to have a wedding? Will he plan one with me? Is he going to want this as much as I do?
I really want to be happy, having a baby, having a happy new love life.
God does not seemed to want to end the game yet.
Back home, he probed me on why I was unhappy. I really didnt want to tell him straight, its really not me. But I guessed my emotions went all out. I dont deny I think alot. And every detail came across my mind.
Once the baby is born, nothing can be undone. I will have a no return new mother life. I really want to make sure that I have no more regrets in my life.
His response to my concerns were marginal if I graded it. I could not feel that he really wanted the wedding plans.
I should not compare. But I could not help feeling he may not love me the most. I asked myself several times. If not for the baby, why could he not turned in the papers earlier? He knew it will make me feel better. But why didnt he? I am afraid.
Now the consequences are ahead of me.
5th July: Another discovery day
I told myself to have a happy day. I really did.
The couple of condoms I saw were sore to my eyes. I sorted out my thoughts and told myself to ask him when he comes home. He promised to throw it away few months back. I guessed he didnt.
I knew it was not going to be as smooth sailing as he tot. Turned out, we had to wait for 6 months before the divorce papers could be generated.
My entire mind started thinking uncontrollably. What status am I to have giving birth to our baby? Am I going to have a wedding? Will he plan one with me? Is he going to want this as much as I do?
I really want to be happy, having a baby, having a happy new love life.
God does not seemed to want to end the game yet.
Back home, he probed me on why I was unhappy. I really didnt want to tell him straight, its really not me. But I guessed my emotions went all out. I dont deny I think alot. And every detail came across my mind.
Once the baby is born, nothing can be undone. I will have a no return new mother life. I really want to make sure that I have no more regrets in my life.
His response to my concerns were marginal if I graded it. I could not feel that he really wanted the wedding plans.
I should not compare. But I could not help feeling he may not love me the most. I asked myself several times. If not for the baby, why could he not turned in the papers earlier? He knew it will make me feel better. But why didnt he? I am afraid.
Now the consequences are ahead of me.
5th July: Another discovery day
I told myself to have a happy day. I really did.
The couple of condoms I saw were sore to my eyes. I sorted out my thoughts and told myself to ask him when he comes home. He promised to throw it away few months back. I guessed he didnt.
Monday, July 2, 2012
My new life story
Looking back at the posts I had in year 2009, i then realized that I knew what was wrong, but i failed to make a sound decision on my then, relation.
It took me 3 years to come to the eventual decision of breaking away and starting life anew.
Maybe god really has its plans for me.
March 10th 2012: was the day I decided to catch up over coffee with him after Willie's wedding, someone whom I know since CW's time. Some 11 yrs ago.
Little did I know it will be the start of my new love story.
I have never thought I will fall in love with my ex's good friend.
I never thought that I will let myself like him because he is married.
My principle is to never break someone's marriage or relation.
The annoying feeling is in me from the beginning till this moment.
The chemistry was uncontrollable on that fateful day.
I had a very special, magical feeling which stayed in my mind.
Though it was just a catch up at Jalan Kayu, moving on to Greenwich which was closed, and then heading over to Serangoon Gardens, Happy Daze, everything seemed in its right place.
When he msg me again on March 14th, I was elated. I was at Happy Daze again, at the same table with Caris.
Caris laughed at my smiley face.
He arrived so quickly that I had no time to compose myself. ( In my raw form of no make up, and awful slip on dress, and undone hair).
I questioned myself on my principle, and repeatedly reminded myself that he is married. I should not like him.
Somewhere few days later, did I know that that day was actually his Anniversary day. And he was out with his wife on a boat.
I remembered the disappointment in me.
And decided to just open myself to other guys's dates so that I could forget the feeling I had.
March 23: Operation day
The disappointment H gave me were actually my reasons for telling myself to look ahead, and end it clearly once and for all. But actual truth is, I expected him to be the way he is. Its still him. But I used it as an excuse so that I can walk away with a reason. Truth is I know he loves me. Truth is I no longer see him as the one to tie the knot with. Truth is I refused to wait another year untill he buys the house we planned about. Because I didnt want to take the chance of waiting again.
April: Car repair day
When I got stranded at the bus stop, not knowing what bus to take and he sms me. I thought it was God at work again. It had to be that min, that moment. I knew my feelings could not be contained for too long.
Emotionally, I was stranded. Having come out of one relation that made me learned of failed marriages and kids, why am I strangely running towards the same one that I was running away from?
April 17th: Malaysia Day
The day that he grabbed my hand and confessed that he wanted to take care of me.
I was happy. But being me, I felt compelled not to. When I reached home, I went all emotional and cried because I didnt know how he could do that when his marriage was still unsettled.
I asked God, why me again?
April 20th: Sentosa Day
The day that he asked to hold my hand and brought me for a walk outside Universal Studio.
I told myself not to think for that one day. And had the happiest one day I ever remembered.
May: Moving In Day
Shortly after Mother's Day, I moved in with him. There were many negative advices from my sis and Caris. I knew they care.
This month, we went to see 2 lawyer firms. He promised to settle the papers by June.
June: Tension Month
I was particularly emotional this month because his stuff were still at the wife's place, there were pictures and stuff of them in his room and he didnt update me on the papers. I felt that he was not putting emphasis to gather the pieces for my sake.
I had many annoying thoughts, and seeing the pictures and wedding picture really made me think if he is really the last one I should put my bet on.
End of June: He cleared off the stuff. I dont know if there are anymore he secretly kept. But I can only agree that clearing off old stuff is the only way to embrace new stuff.
July: New month, new life
1st July Sunday. Caris's dad cooked a feast and invited me to stay for dinner. I gladly agreed because its only polite to do so.
I had a great day with Caris. She always makes me feel better after talking. Food was great too.
An impromptu thought came up, and I decided to buy a pregnancy test kit.
She was with me to give me support.
The positive sign came out so quickly that I had no time to embrace myself for the results.
She started smiling and went straight to her lappy and googled on things that I should take note of.
I felt really happy to know that my bestie is happy for me.
But I went all emotional after a while. Was he really gonna be happy? Will he be able to handle he stress that comes with it? Can he financially really support this?
I have been stranded on money issues for the longest time until 2 years ago.
For the last 2 years, in the past relation I guess its his way of making up for his non presence all the time, he paid for everything. Groceries, car, maintenance, food, restaurants, shopping.
I didnt need to worry at all.
Now I feel insecure because I have no savings, and I dont think he is comfortable sharing with me on his financial movements at this point since we just got together. He seems tight on cash, and I tried to pay for stuff here and there.
While all these were in my head, I braced the moment to show him the results.
He thought it was negative! I had to repeat myself 2 times that it is positive.
We ended up doing the test again next day just so that he can see it live.
We are going to the lawyer's firm tomorrow if nothing goes wrong. I dont know what else to expect, and will write another day.
That marks the events till 3rd July.
I will be writing often from this moment as I slowly anticipate the arrival of my baby. I feel better after writing.
It took me 3 years to come to the eventual decision of breaking away and starting life anew.
Maybe god really has its plans for me.
March 10th 2012: was the day I decided to catch up over coffee with him after Willie's wedding, someone whom I know since CW's time. Some 11 yrs ago.
Little did I know it will be the start of my new love story.
I have never thought I will fall in love with my ex's good friend.
I never thought that I will let myself like him because he is married.
My principle is to never break someone's marriage or relation.
The annoying feeling is in me from the beginning till this moment.
The chemistry was uncontrollable on that fateful day.
I had a very special, magical feeling which stayed in my mind.
Though it was just a catch up at Jalan Kayu, moving on to Greenwich which was closed, and then heading over to Serangoon Gardens, Happy Daze, everything seemed in its right place.
When he msg me again on March 14th, I was elated. I was at Happy Daze again, at the same table with Caris.
Caris laughed at my smiley face.
He arrived so quickly that I had no time to compose myself. ( In my raw form of no make up, and awful slip on dress, and undone hair).
I questioned myself on my principle, and repeatedly reminded myself that he is married. I should not like him.
Somewhere few days later, did I know that that day was actually his Anniversary day. And he was out with his wife on a boat.
I remembered the disappointment in me.
And decided to just open myself to other guys's dates so that I could forget the feeling I had.
March 23: Operation day
The disappointment H gave me were actually my reasons for telling myself to look ahead, and end it clearly once and for all. But actual truth is, I expected him to be the way he is. Its still him. But I used it as an excuse so that I can walk away with a reason. Truth is I know he loves me. Truth is I no longer see him as the one to tie the knot with. Truth is I refused to wait another year untill he buys the house we planned about. Because I didnt want to take the chance of waiting again.
April: Car repair day
When I got stranded at the bus stop, not knowing what bus to take and he sms me. I thought it was God at work again. It had to be that min, that moment. I knew my feelings could not be contained for too long.
Emotionally, I was stranded. Having come out of one relation that made me learned of failed marriages and kids, why am I strangely running towards the same one that I was running away from?
April 17th: Malaysia Day
The day that he grabbed my hand and confessed that he wanted to take care of me.
I was happy. But being me, I felt compelled not to. When I reached home, I went all emotional and cried because I didnt know how he could do that when his marriage was still unsettled.
I asked God, why me again?
April 20th: Sentosa Day
The day that he asked to hold my hand and brought me for a walk outside Universal Studio.
I told myself not to think for that one day. And had the happiest one day I ever remembered.
May: Moving In Day
Shortly after Mother's Day, I moved in with him. There were many negative advices from my sis and Caris. I knew they care.
This month, we went to see 2 lawyer firms. He promised to settle the papers by June.
June: Tension Month
I was particularly emotional this month because his stuff were still at the wife's place, there were pictures and stuff of them in his room and he didnt update me on the papers. I felt that he was not putting emphasis to gather the pieces for my sake.
I had many annoying thoughts, and seeing the pictures and wedding picture really made me think if he is really the last one I should put my bet on.
End of June: He cleared off the stuff. I dont know if there are anymore he secretly kept. But I can only agree that clearing off old stuff is the only way to embrace new stuff.
July: New month, new life
1st July Sunday. Caris's dad cooked a feast and invited me to stay for dinner. I gladly agreed because its only polite to do so.
I had a great day with Caris. She always makes me feel better after talking. Food was great too.
An impromptu thought came up, and I decided to buy a pregnancy test kit.
She was with me to give me support.
The positive sign came out so quickly that I had no time to embrace myself for the results.
She started smiling and went straight to her lappy and googled on things that I should take note of.
I felt really happy to know that my bestie is happy for me.
But I went all emotional after a while. Was he really gonna be happy? Will he be able to handle he stress that comes with it? Can he financially really support this?
I have been stranded on money issues for the longest time until 2 years ago.
For the last 2 years, in the past relation I guess its his way of making up for his non presence all the time, he paid for everything. Groceries, car, maintenance, food, restaurants, shopping.
I didnt need to worry at all.
Now I feel insecure because I have no savings, and I dont think he is comfortable sharing with me on his financial movements at this point since we just got together. He seems tight on cash, and I tried to pay for stuff here and there.
While all these were in my head, I braced the moment to show him the results.
He thought it was negative! I had to repeat myself 2 times that it is positive.
We ended up doing the test again next day just so that he can see it live.
We are going to the lawyer's firm tomorrow if nothing goes wrong. I dont know what else to expect, and will write another day.
That marks the events till 3rd July.
I will be writing often from this moment as I slowly anticipate the arrival of my baby. I feel better after writing.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
My lovely grandma
Grandma is so cute. So modern even though she is 80 odd years old. Born in year of sheep, we are compatible great friends. I love her dearly. I was taken care of by her. I like the fact, that i have someone so dear to me.
She is thrifty, so much so that her frozen food is kept for 6 whole months! I got a shock, and wanted to throw away the food for her.
She doesnt use oyster sauce because it is expensive. It hurts my heart when i cant give her more money or a better living condition because i have my own needs to see to. I am not a fillial granddaughter.
Everytime i think of how worried she is for me, i wished i can do better.
She gave me an ang bao which worths more than her 3 weeks of groceries. I didnt use it, because i will give her allowance in return.
Please wait for me to start my own family, and see your great grand children Grandma. Love ya.
She is thrifty, so much so that her frozen food is kept for 6 whole months! I got a shock, and wanted to throw away the food for her.
She doesnt use oyster sauce because it is expensive. It hurts my heart when i cant give her more money or a better living condition because i have my own needs to see to. I am not a fillial granddaughter.
Everytime i think of how worried she is for me, i wished i can do better.
She gave me an ang bao which worths more than her 3 weeks of groceries. I didnt use it, because i will give her allowance in return.
Please wait for me to start my own family, and see your great grand children Grandma. Love ya.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Second half of 14th July
Was forced to purchase a inner wear this afternoon, had on the wrong one. Got 'cheated' by the salesgal to purchase 3.
Ailin was laughing at the whole episode after i told her. Will be giving her one since we fit the same size.
Had a pedi today... my toenails have been screaming for some attention for few mths. Its covered in cheery redish pink.. I like it.
Dinner and chat with Ailin was good. Helped to ease off some of the tension in me.
Am feeling the strain at work and getting myself composed for the next couple of mths. Too many things to do, too little time.
Learn till we grow old. I want to. And i hope to. There are still a 101 things i have yet to do. It may not be possible to complete all, but you will end up near your mark somehow.
Conclusion for today. She has agreed to go with me for pole dancing. I have decided to sign up for my fashion course this week.
I like the fact that I am doing what I want to do. Sometimes, you dont have to think so much. Just do it.
I have always lived by this motto. For now, it remains.
End of 14th July A- Day
Ailin was laughing at the whole episode after i told her. Will be giving her one since we fit the same size.
Had a pedi today... my toenails have been screaming for some attention for few mths. Its covered in cheery redish pink.. I like it.
Dinner and chat with Ailin was good. Helped to ease off some of the tension in me.
Am feeling the strain at work and getting myself composed for the next couple of mths. Too many things to do, too little time.
Learn till we grow old. I want to. And i hope to. There are still a 101 things i have yet to do. It may not be possible to complete all, but you will end up near your mark somehow.
Conclusion for today. She has agreed to go with me for pole dancing. I have decided to sign up for my fashion course this week.
I like the fact that I am doing what I want to do. Sometimes, you dont have to think so much. Just do it.
I have always lived by this motto. For now, it remains.
End of 14th July A- Day
7 months into year 2009
Its end of July....
Moment of anxiety washed over me last couple of days. Can never seem to catch up with speed of time. Year 2008 was not a fantastic year. Part of Yr 2009 resolution was to ensure i achieve most, if not part of my goals.
I have yet to break free. Free from my tangled thoughts. Should I or should I not? When is a good time? How do I do it? What is best for me?
Last couple of months were filled with outings with friends and my decision to put in more efforts at charity work.
I have not laughed as much as I had over the last 4-5 yrs. I begun to see friends and relations differently.
There is always a right time and place for everything. Mine is just not here yet.
For now, its back to work, charity, courses, gym, baking classes, dancing and having fun out of doing everything i wanna do.
Bless me my god. For I have sinned. I have repented.
B- Day
Moment of anxiety washed over me last couple of days. Can never seem to catch up with speed of time. Year 2008 was not a fantastic year. Part of Yr 2009 resolution was to ensure i achieve most, if not part of my goals.
I have yet to break free. Free from my tangled thoughts. Should I or should I not? When is a good time? How do I do it? What is best for me?
Last couple of months were filled with outings with friends and my decision to put in more efforts at charity work.
I have not laughed as much as I had over the last 4-5 yrs. I begun to see friends and relations differently.
There is always a right time and place for everything. Mine is just not here yet.
For now, its back to work, charity, courses, gym, baking classes, dancing and having fun out of doing everything i wanna do.
Bless me my god. For I have sinned. I have repented.
B- Day
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