My new life story

Looking back at the posts I had in year 2009, i then realized that I knew what was wrong, but i failed to make a sound decision on my then, relation.

It took me 3 years to come to the eventual decision of breaking away and starting life anew.

Maybe god really has its plans for me.

March 10th 2012: was the day I decided to catch up over coffee with him after Willie's wedding, someone whom I know since CW's time. Some 11 yrs ago.

Little did I know it will be the start of my new love story.

I have never thought I will fall in love with my ex's good friend.

I never thought that I will let myself like him because he is married.

My principle is to never break someone's marriage or relation.

The annoying feeling is in me from the beginning till this moment.

The chemistry was uncontrollable on that fateful day.

I had a very special, magical feeling which stayed in my mind.

Though it was just a catch up at Jalan Kayu, moving on to Greenwich which was closed, and then heading over to Serangoon Gardens, Happy Daze, everything seemed in its right place.

When he msg me again on March 14th, I was elated. I was at Happy Daze again, at the same table with Caris.

Caris laughed at my smiley face.

He arrived so quickly that I had no time to compose myself. ( In my raw form of no make up, and awful slip on dress, and undone hair).

I questioned myself on my principle, and repeatedly reminded myself that he is married. I should not like him.

Somewhere few days later, did I know that that day was actually his Anniversary day. And he was out with his wife on a boat.

I remembered the disappointment in me.

And decided to just open myself to other guys's dates so that I could forget the feeling I had.

March 23: Operation day

The disappointment H gave me were actually my reasons for telling myself to look ahead, and end it clearly once and for all. But actual truth is, I expected him to be the way he is. Its still him. But I used it as an excuse so that I can walk away with a reason. Truth is I know he loves me. Truth is I no longer see him as the one to tie the knot with. Truth is I refused to wait another year untill he buys the house we planned about. Because I didnt want to take the chance of waiting again.

April: Car repair day

When I got stranded at the bus stop, not knowing what bus to take and he sms me. I thought it was God at work again. It had to be that min, that moment. I knew my feelings could not be contained for too long.

Emotionally, I was stranded. Having come out of one relation that made me learned of failed marriages and kids, why am I strangely running towards the same one that I was running away from?

April 17th: Malaysia Day

The day that he grabbed my hand and confessed that he wanted to take care of me.

I was happy. But being me, I felt compelled not to. When I reached home, I went all emotional and cried because I didnt know how he could do that when his marriage was still unsettled.

I asked God, why me again?

April 20th: Sentosa Day

The day that he asked to hold my hand and brought me for a walk outside Universal Studio.

I told myself not to think for that one day. And had the happiest one day I ever remembered.

May: Moving In Day

Shortly after Mother's Day, I moved in with him. There were many negative advices from my sis and Caris. I knew they care.

This month, we went to see 2 lawyer firms. He promised to settle the papers by June.

June: Tension Month

I was particularly emotional this month because his stuff were still at the wife's place, there were pictures and stuff of them in his room and he didnt update me on the papers. I felt that he was not putting emphasis to gather the pieces for my sake.

I had many annoying thoughts, and seeing the pictures and wedding picture really made me think if he is really the last one I should put my bet on.

End of June: He cleared off the stuff. I dont know if there are anymore he secretly kept. But I can only agree that clearing off old stuff is the only way to embrace new stuff.

July: New month, new life

1st July Sunday. Caris's dad cooked a feast and invited me to stay for dinner. I gladly agreed because its only polite to do so.

I had a great day with Caris. She always makes me feel better after talking. Food was great too.

An impromptu thought came up, and I decided to buy a pregnancy test kit.

She was with me to give me support.

The positive sign came out so quickly that I had no time to embrace myself for the results.

She started smiling and went straight to her lappy and googled on things that I should take note of.

I felt really happy to know that my bestie is happy for me.

But I went all emotional after a while. Was he really gonna be happy? Will he be able to handle he stress that comes with it? Can he financially really support this?

I have been stranded on money issues for the longest time until 2 years ago.

For the last 2 years, in the past relation I guess its his way of making up for his non presence all the time, he paid for everything. Groceries, car, maintenance, food, restaurants, shopping.

I didnt need to worry at all.

Now I feel insecure because I have no savings, and I dont think he is comfortable sharing with me on his financial movements at this point since we just got together. He seems tight on cash, and I tried to pay for stuff here and there.

While all these were in my head, I braced the moment to show him the results.

He thought it was negative! I had to repeat myself 2 times that it is positive.

We ended up doing the test again next day just so that he can see it live.

We are going to the lawyer's firm tomorrow if nothing goes wrong. I dont know what else to expect, and will write another day.

That marks the events till 3rd July.

I will be writing often from this moment as I slowly anticipate the arrival of my baby. I feel better after writing.